When one partner is seeking therapy and the other is not, that divide can be stressful and emotive for both parties. Quite a few couples experience this, and it tends to arise when one partner reaches out for assistance around mutual issues. They want to talk it out with a pro, while their partner feels unsure, anxious, or simply unready. These inconsistent perspectives can impede progress and keep problems from being resolved. Discussing therapy with respect, clear facts, and no blame can be helpful. Understanding what to do when only one partner wants therapy can make a difference. In this post, discover steps and tips to help both people feel heard and safe in the process.
Key Takeaways
- Identifying and confronting obstacles like stigma, fear of fault, reluctance to be vulnerable, or apprehension about change is key to cultivating receptivity to therapy in relationships.
- Productive conversations about therapy can happen in a calm environment, by using “I” statements, validating concerns, and positioning the process as a team effort to improve the relationship.
- If your partner refuses therapy, prioritizing individual counseling, self-care, and leveraging relationship resources can still benefit both you and your relationship.
- Personal therapy can catalyze systemic change. When one partner changes and models healthy behavior, the other is often inspired to do the same.
- Looking at non-traditional options like workshops, books, and coaches gives you pragmatic ways for getting your relationship back on track in a way that’s individualized to your relationship.
- By exploring what makes a relationship successful beyond the obvious, such as talking about shared values, mutual goals, and prioritizing fulfillment above traditional metrics, we cultivate understanding and continued growth together.
Why Partners Resist Therapy
Yet more often than not, when one partner is in therapy sessions, the other isn’t, which can hinder their journey in couples counseling. Understanding the reasons for this reluctance can provide clarity and help both parties move forward. Below is a table of common barriers to therapy, followed by an in-depth exploration of the top barriers, stigma, fear, discomfort, and fear of change.
Barrier | Description |
Stigma | Worry about negative judgment from peers, family, or society. |
Fear of Blame | Concern that therapy will single out one partner as the cause of problems. |
Discomfort with Vulnerability | Difficulty opening up about personal feelings or past events. |
Anxiety About Change | Uncertainty about how therapy might alter the relationship dynamic. |
Fear Of Blame
A lot of people are reluctant to go to therapy with a partner because they’re afraid they’re going to be branded as The Problem. This worry is common when relationship tensions run high. They’re afraid the therapist will take someone’s side and leave the other feeling alone or vulnerable. Simply airing these concerns in pre-session discussion can be helpful.
Pick someone who is neutral. A pro at Blue Sky Psychiatry will see both partners and craft a nest. Therapy is a collaborative experience, not a blame session. When both individuals perceive therapy as a collaborative endeavor, the apprehension of blame tends to diminish.
Perceived Stigma
There are still lots of negative attitudes towards therapy in many cultures. Others think that asking for help is somehow confessing to being weak or a failure. This stigma may prevent them from seeking therapy, even if the relationship could use it.
Therapy is a positive choice for self-development and relationship evolution. Posting triumphs can bypass these defenses. A lot of partners feel more understanding and connection after therapy. Once it’s discussed as a regular, healthy behavior, it’s easier for others to embrace.
Discomfort With Vulnerability
It can be hard to open up, particularly if you’re not accustomed to discussing feelings. Vulnerability is crucial for intimate connection but may seem dangerous. Partners might be afraid of criticism or abandonment if they open up.
Therapists at Blue Sky Psychiatry know how to make therapy safe for such candor. Discussing fears pre-therapy can calm nerves. Over time, opening up vulnerability can foster trust and bring healing to the relationship.
Anxiety About Change
Change is scary, even when it’s for the better. Partners might fear that therapy will produce uncontrollable consequences or that the relationship will transform in undesirable directions.
So it’s good to discuss these concerns openly and face them together as a team. Unpacking what may shift and how it could serve both individuals is often a relief. Therapy can provide a roadmap for that journey through the unknown, rendering change less intimidating.
How To Discuss Therapy
Discussing couples counseling with a hesitant partner can be difficult. Your lead into this conversation is important. A careful approach makes both people feel safe and heard, fostering emotional wellbeing and clarity.
- Find a good time and place for the talk
- Use clear “I” statements about your feelings
- Listen and show you care about their side
- Make it about teamwork, not blame
- Propose to give therapy a shot once, not as a giant leap.
1. Choose Your Moment
Choose a moment when you’re both relaxed and undistracted for effective couples counseling. Don’t bring it up after a fight or on a hectic day, instead, settle yourself in a private and comfortable space. This could be a tranquil park or any place where you won’t be hurried, as a calm arrangement facilitates candid speaking and encourages open dialogue about your emotional needs.
2. Use “I” Statements
Speak from your heart with “I” statements. For instance, say, ‘I get stuck when we fight, and I want assistance through couples counseling.’ This approach helps prevent the discussion from sounding accusatory. Provide your reasons for needing therapy, such as, ‘I want us to understand each other better in our marriage.’ Encourage your partner to follow suit by asking, “How do you feel about this?” or “What concerns you?” to keep the discussion open and equitable.
3. Validate Their Concerns
Demonstrate that you understand their concerns, even if you don’t agree. Try, ‘I understand this is difficult for you,’ or, ‘It’s normal to feel uncertain.’ Let them talk without interrupting or criticizing them. Hear their fears, such as concerns about expense, confidentiality, or if couples counseling will even work. A little empathy, like, “That’s understandable, and I care about how you’re feeling,” cultivates trust and encourages relationship improvement. They might open up more if they know you appreciate their perspective.
4. Frame It Collaboratively
Be explicit that couples counseling is something you’d like to do together. Discuss mutual aspirations, for example, “We both desire less stress in the household” or “We wish to collaboratively address our relationship issues.” Include your partner in choosing a marriage counselor or setting therapy goals. Emphasize that you’re trying to grow closer, not compete or prove anyone right or wrong.
5. Suggest A Trial Run
Offer to try one session of couples counseling, no pressure. Say something like, ‘We can try it once, see what it feels like, then determine.’ Assure your partner there’s no pressure for a grand commitment. Afterwards, discuss how it went and if you both want to continue with couple therapy. This tiny step can calm anxiety and make your partner feel more empowered.
When Your Partner Refuses
When your partner wants therapy and your partner resists, it’s not clear what to do. Reasons for refusal are often personal, such as belief or stigma or the notion that therapy is not needed or intrusive. Others fear that baring their soul to a stranger might make it worse. Stigma is a big factor. Though this hurdle is common, it’s not insurmountable. Pushing or pouting a resistant partner simply doesn’t work and only makes it nearly impossible. Instead, go with what works and grow as a person and as partners.
Approach | Description | Example |
Suggest a single session | Propose trying therapy just once | “Let’s see how one session feels.” |
Revisit later | Bring up therapy again after a few months | “Would you reconsider in six months?” |
Work on self | Start your own growth, let partner observe | Reading, self-care, hobbies |
Use outside resources | Find books, workshops, or online classes | Relationship books, webinars |
Respect boundaries | Avoid nagging, respect their choice | Step back from persuasion |
Individual Counseling
When your partner won’t go, take the first step yourself. Individual counseling allows you to work through frustration, sadness, or confusion about the relationship. It is a place to work through what you need and what you want to change.
A therapist at Blue Sky Psychiatry can help you observe your patterns, identify what’s really wanted, and construct new habits. Sometimes, when one partner shifts their approach, the entire dynamic of the relationship changes. This could be becoming more mindful, setting healthier boundaries, or feeling less isolated in the fight.
With counseling, you get tools for resilience. Growth is personal, but it can ripple outward and make a new tone for the relationship.
Relationship Resources
Relationship books and articles provide hands-on guidance when therapy is out of the question. Go for well-known authors or internationally recognized organizations. They address issues such as conflict, communication, and trust.
Workshops and seminars, online or in-person, can impart new skills. Most communities have support groups or classes about relationship health.
Tell us what you discover. A helpful article or video can inspire more productive conversations with your significant other or alleviate her anxiety about therapy.
Focus On Yourself
You matter, particularly in hard times. Treat self-care like brushing your teeth. Exercise, eat healthy meals, practice mindfulness, or engage in creativity. Consider what you need and how it manifests in the relationship.
Discover what makes you happy. Whether it’s joining a group, starting a new project, or re-connecting with friends. Demonstrating this type of growth can occasionally change your partner’s opinion of therapy. Transformation begins with an individual, and your decisions count.
The Ripple Effect Of Solo Therapy
There’s a ripple effect when solo therapy, such as discernment counseling, is involved. Minor adjustments in self-awareness, habits, and communication can spark a ripple effect of change in the relationship over time. Even if just one individual participates, solo therapy at Blue Sky Psychiatry can ignite transformative shifts in the relationship dynamic between partners.
Systemic Change
The ripple effect of solo therapy can significantly enhance the dynamics of a couple. When one partner addresses their emotional well-being through methods like couples counseling, they typically become more vulnerable, patient, and in tune with their own needs and triggers. This change may result in more peaceful, level-headed conversations. Over time, the partner outside of therapy may begin to feel the difference too, less fighting, more empathy, and easier resolution. Such changes often foster a safer, more stable atmosphere, rendering both parties safer. Even if the work is being done by one person, the relationship begins to feel less reactive and more supportive, paving the way for effective couple therapy.
Personal Growth
Growth in therapy, particularly in couples counseling, typically means learning more about why you feel and react the way you do. As one partner gains insight through strategies like discernment counseling, they may start sharing their progress, small victories, challenges, or new perspectives. This transparency can ignite juicy dialogue, leaving the other partner feeling engaged and appreciated, even if they’re not yet ready for therapy themselves. Sometimes, merely witnessing these shifts in everyday life, improved mood, increased patience, clearer boundaries, can inspire a partner to reflect on their own tendencies. Not all steps have to be grand, but steady, truth-telling action can establish a new dynamic for the partnership, leading to a healthier relationship.
It builds emotional well-being. Better self-awareness breeds better communication. The spouse in therapy might begin to communicate needs more directly, hear more attentively, and process conflict with less intensity. Such skills tend to translate into more satisfying, less stressful relationships.
Modeling Behavior
They manifest as behavioral changes. When one partner employs these new tools, such as pausing before responding or stating feelings in a calm manner, it creates a ripple effect. The other person may observe these new rhythms and begin to echo them, even in the absence of therapy. This modeling can trickle down to daily habits, from how arguments are managed to how encouragement is provided in challenging moments.
If you’re bringing up your feelings and struggles openly, it can create room for your partner to do the same. Occasionally, simply observing that therapy is working at Blue Sky Psychiatry can reduce opposition or doubt. Successes, like easier troubleshooting or reduced stress, talk louder than anything. Things become more open and judgmental, with less both people cultivating growth together, even if it’s at different speeds.
Alternatives To Formal Counseling
Some folks are squeamish about formal couples counseling. Others seek assistance but not the format or stigma of ‘counseling’. There are many options that don’t involve a clinical setting, which may appeal to those seeking direction but are wary of therapy or who are turned off by the word ‘therapy’ itself. A lot of couples find it less intimidating to pick up new skills together in a group or self-paced setting. For those feeling hesitant, a checklist of alternatives helps identify next steps that fit both partners’ comfort level and enhance their emotional wellbeing.
- Self-help books or online courses that provide pragmatic and specific guidance for couples.
- Participating in live or virtual workshops on communication and conflict resolution.
- Partnering with a relationship coach for goals and accountability.
- Inquiring into video-based coaching or assistance for greater privacy and adaptability.
- Making a trial or single session to overcome the hurdle.
- Individual therapy for couples who want to address individual concerns.
The Workshops
Workshops provide a practical approach to developing relationship skills, often serving as a precursor to traditional couples counseling. They’re commonly offered online and in-person, making them a convenient starting point for couples who may be hesitant about formal therapy. Issues such as conflict resolution, trust, and clear communication are typical, and hands-on sessions allow both partners to learn and practice together. Joining as a team can defuse tension and provide both parties a forum to express themselves in a safe environment.
These workshops typically carve out room for collaboration, much like discernment counseling. Couples witness others working through similar issues, engendering empathy and diminishing isolation. These insights may provide new talking points once back home, allowing partners to discuss hard topics with a fresh perspective.
Self-Help Books
- John Gottman’s ‘The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work’
- “Hold Me Tight” by Dr. Sue Johnson
- “Nonviolent Communication” by Marshall Rosenberg
- John Gray’s “Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus”
After the jump, discuss what hit home regarding relationship therapy. Talking through these thoughts can expose latent problems and emotional needs. For some couples, they read it weekly, using each chapter as a launching pad for candid discussions in couples counseling at Blue Sky Psychiatry, promoting shared development and actionable transformation.
Relationship Coaching
Relationship coaching is a different beast than therapy. Coaches provide clear actions and trackable objectives, so it feels less like therapy and more like team-building. This model is adaptable. Sessions can be remote, via video, or in-person, based on preference and convenience. Many people prefer this because it is less intimidating, particularly if the word “therapy” is a deal-breaker.
A coach assists both partners in outlining what they’d like to change and holds them accountable. It’s about what you’ll do and what you’ll learn in the future, not just discussing your issues. By framing coaching as support, not correction, it often attracts people who resist traditional counseling.
Redefining Relationship Success
Relationship success isn’t always the old model of perfect harmony or constant agreement. Surprisingly enough, for most couples, success in relationships is not about blindly following conventions. It’s about self-transformation and candid communication. A partner’s desire to initiate couples therapy at Blue Sky Psychiatry can be a genuine expression of care, demonstrating that they want to create a deeper connection, not that the connection is irreparably damaged. This step frequently signifies a need for deeper trust or growth, not blame. One person’s decision to evolve can create new dynamics for the pair, and transformation doesn’t have to wait for mutual consent.
That conversation about what success means opens both partners to see each other’s needs and hopes. These talks can be difficult, but they open up space for a variety of perspectives. Some may want to evolve and recover with relationship counseling. Others will be skeptical, concerned about losing their privacy, considering therapy a scam, or not wanting to take the time, especially when life is hectic. It’s key to recognize that these fears are normal. They don’t imply indifference. Instead, they indicate the necessity of secure environments and frank discussion of individual priorities. For some couples, these short-term programs or private sessions suit better than weekly therapy because they can accommodate busy lives and the need for privacy.
Shared values and goals matter much more than matching every whim. When partners both name what matters most, like trust, respect, or growth, they create a map for their journey together. This can be as straightforward as questioning what each partner desires to feel in the relationship or where they see themselves in five years. Mutual support flourishes when partners honor their respective tempos and anxieties and allow their individual evolution to take precedence. Sometimes working solo on self-care or improved communication can transform the entire relationship without labels or rigid roles.
Final Remarks
It feels harsh to confront a partner who says no to therapy. No quick fix can repair trust or erase pain between two partners. To speak with care, to ask the hard stuff, and to stand by your own needs can create new terrain. One person can evolve and change how life feels at home. A walk, a wise friend’s advice, or a book that illuminates can go a long way. While those who seek to make love work don’t tread the same path, tiny steps can initiate transformation. To find out more, read on, seek assistance at Blue Sky Psychiatry, and open up. Your voice counts, and you don’t have to mend it by yourself.
Frequently Asked Questions
1. Why Do Some Partners Resist Therapy?
Many partners resist couples counseling due to fears of judgment, past negative experiences with therapy, or cultural beliefs. Concerns about expenses or discomfort discussing intimate matters are common reasons. Understanding these motivations helps you respond effectively, fostering a structured therapy environment that addresses their emotional needs.
2. How Can I Bring Up Therapy Without Causing Conflict?
Pick a peaceful time and express your feelings using ‘I’ statements, focusing on your emotional needs for a stronger connection rather than pointing out your partner’s deficiencies. Engage in couples counseling to hear them out without pushing.
3. What If My Partner Refuses To Attend Therapy?
Respect their decision, but consider solo therapy as a form of couples counseling on your own. Individual counseling sessions can help you work through emotions, communicate more effectively, and bring new positive energy to your relationship.
4. Can Solo Therapy Help My Relationship?
Indeed, individual therapy equips you with techniques to cope, speak, and set boundaries, which can greatly benefit couples counseling. These changes tend to rub off on the relationship, even if only one partner goes.
5. Are There Alternatives To Couples Therapy?
Okay, how about self-help books, online counseling options, or relationship workshops? Open and honest conversations, rooted in evidence-based advice, can help fortify your bond and improve emotional wellbeing.
Find Support And Connection Through Group Therapy
Blue Sky Psychiatry offers group therapy that brings people together in a supportive, guided setting. Many clients feel isolated when dealing with anxiety, depression, ADHD, or major life stress. Group therapy gives you a place to share your experience, learn from others, and build skills that help you move forward with more confidence.
Dr. Mindy Werner-Crohn and Shira Crohn, PA-C, lead groups with a focus on safety, clarity, and practical tools. Each session encourages honest conversation and steady progress, and every member is supported at their own pace. You get the benefit of expert clinical guidance plus the strength that comes from hearing others who understand what you’re going through.
If you want a structured, cost effective way to grow emotionally, group therapy can help you gain insight, reduce feelings of isolation, and practice healthier ways of coping. Reach out to Blue Sky Psychiatry to learn more about upcoming groups and find the one that fits your needs.
